Both Sides of Everything

The Cubicle Life: Voluntary Committees

                     ... otherwise known as committees that your boss
                                               volunteers you for.
                    

Things You Learn Being Married to a Southerner

-I know now that 'yonder' is a 'fer piece'. (But I still have no idea what it means.)

-There are some places where the American Civil War isn't all that over yet.

-Apparently, mullets, big-hair and horizontal stripes will never go out of style.

-I now have family who owned slaves. Frickin' slaves!

-In some places, a surprising amount of things we like to do in the bedroom are technically still illegal. And a surprising amount of people want to keep it that way.

-Confederate flags make great decoration on houses, cars, caps, t-shirts and belt buckles.

-Some people communicate solely in mumbles, half-words, and other unintelligible sounds. And they do it verrry slowly.

-It is not uncommon to lose your virginity in the back of a truck.

-Stray dogs, trashy folk and tornadoes all seem to be attracted to trailer parks.

-Certain people prefer to disobey the speed limit by driving 30 mph SLOWER.

-Apparently any substance on earth can be added to a meal and considered a delicacy as long as it is 'deep-fried'.

-There are several human species: 'Good 'Ole Boys', 'Poor White Trash' and 'Aint-From-Around-Heres'.

Things You learn being Married to a European

-You can drive for 8 hours in Europe and see 3 different countries.

-Apparently, there are castles that have nothing to do with Mickey Mouse.

-Some non-cable television stations show porn. Just...whenever.

-Some folks aren't so squeamish about porn. Or nudity. Or hookers.

-Every European knows like 18 languages.

-Sometimes you have to refer to the Civil War as the 'American Civil War'...because apparently there were more than one.

-There are some places where you won't be inundated with PSAs about what a slacker you'll be if you smoke dope.

-I now have family who met real, live Nazis. Frickin' Nazis!

-Astonishingly, despite the advances in gay marriage rights, it's still illegal to marry your dog anywhere in Europe.

-Some winter holidays involve gangs of black men beating and kidnapping your children. (Check this out!)

When Nerds Draw Their Wives (and Can't Help Themselves)

                     
                     
                     
                     
                                                  Conclusion:
                            You can draw your wife as a Mega Comic Babe.
                 Just know she'll find out you drew her as a Mega Comic Babe.

Top 10 Reasons for a Woman to Get Married

--There is always someone else to blame. For anything.

--Yes, you can kill the spiders. But do you want to?

--Bigger tax deduction.

--It's very hard to rub your own back.

--You always have a date for office holiday parties.

--Worrying about anything is really a two-person job.

--Double income!

--Spouses are great excuses. "Sorry, I can't go. My husband made plans already."

--Unlike friends, spouses are legally obligated to stay with you even after they find out you like 'Achey Breaky Heart'.

--There is no way you are checking out that sound in the middle of the night.

The Dangers of Carb Diets...

                     
                     
                     
                     

Speaking of Being Married to a Nerd....

                         

Some Things I've Learned from Being Married to a Nerd

-There are many X-Men comics, such as Uncanny X-men, Astonishing X-men, etc. But the one that is just X-men must be referred to as 'Adjectiveless X-men'. Thereby giving it an adjective...

-Into every generation, a Slayer is born. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness.

-Get clarification when your spouse requests a 'role playing game'. Trust me on this one...

-Alias wishes it was La Femme Nikita.

-Don't disturb your spouse when he's about to fire his flak cannon or he may cause self-damage, which could lead to the need to re-spawn. And the humiliating pwnage.

-Don't ever call Professor Xavier 'that bald wheelchair guy'.

-Han shot first.

-The Cylons were created by man. They evolved. They rebelled. There are many copies. And they have a plan. And these ain't your father's Cylons.

-Apparently, there can be only one.

My Pet Peeves...for Today

In no particular order and subject to change depending on my whims...

1. People who jaywalk, and then slow down when they see you driving up. Seriously, I would run over you if it wouldn't leave a you-shaped dent in my car.

The car has enough dents in it from your escapades, dear. Maybe you can just hit ’em hard enough to knock them to the ground?

2. People who park over their line, into my space. I will actually inconvenience myself just to park next to you, and block your door. I will crawl out of my passenger's side door just to make you do the same. I will never cross over my line, and if someone is parked in such a way that I have to, I will find a new spot. But for you, big SUV or fancy Mercedes, I will snuggle up as close to you as I can, while staying in my spot. The best is if I can make my rear-view mirror block yours so you have to wait until I leave. Petty, yes. But I never claimed I wasn't.

Speaking as a guy who is only vindictive as long as it doesn’t inconvenience himself: Wow. Just…wow. I didn't realize how scary you were until just now.

Just now? Really?

3. People whose brats are yelling in that 'not upset, just like to hear my own shrill voice' way they do, and the parents just look at you and smile like, "Ain't he precious?"  I just have to remind myself that dropkicking children is frowned upon. Note to self: Find or start a culture where dropkicking is tolerated and/or rewarded. And where annoying babies are banned.

Note to wife: This baby-free culture may be hard to perpetuate.

4. People who EMAIL OR POST IN ALL CAPS for no reason. NO REASON!!! Caps lock is NO EXCUSE! See? Appropriate use of caps.

I'm there with you. TOTALLY.