Both Sides of Everything

All you Googlers...Still Haven't Found What UR Lookin' For?

So we can see what sites our readers are referred from, and sometimes we can see what keywords they searched for when they found us.

It seems that two folks recently found us by searching for 'hooker' and 'do hemorrhoids burn'.

To person 1: Really sorry. You must have been righteously disappointed.

To person 2: Dude, yes. Go buy some Tucks. Marriage can sometimes be a pain in the butt, but not that kind...

If you can't resist the heat, stay out of the kitchen

                        

Drive-By Post....Randomness

Today in my office building, I saw a man with a mustache. The man had twirled his mustache ends so they were all curled up. To me that makes a specific statement. Either he's saying "My other job is 3rd man in a Barbershop Quartet" or "Today: Evil." It's a toss up, but in an office building, I think I know which one I'm leaning toward....

Best Movie Couples Ever

Well, since we didn't want to be too depressing, we decided to add a list of Best Movie Couples. Of course, we couldn't really think of more than five so maybe it's still depressing....

5-Vivian Ward & Edward Lewis (Pretty Woman)
The corporate mogul and the hooker. Prostitution was never so romantic and cute before or since. Shaky concept of eternal love springing up in the space of three days of purchased sex, but let's face it, we all fell for it...

4-Princess Leia Organa & Han Solo (Star Wars Trilogy)
This is where many boys learned a few lessons of various quality:
-Bad Boys are more appealing than Boy Scouts.
-When women act disgusted it means they really want you (Not sure if that was a good one to teach)
-Sometimes luck favors you. (Like your main rival turning out to be her brother!)

3-Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler (Gone with the Wind)
Generations of women consider this the most romantic couple ever. Even though it ends with him basically telling her to get stuffed as he walks out on her. (Result: millions of men are still trying to figure out women's definitions of 'romantic.')

2-Princess Buttercup and Wesley (aka The Man in Black/aka the Dread Pirate Roberts) (The Princess Bride)
Recipe for happiness:
-Enter servitude to some hot single woman.
-Get shoved around by her for a few years, unfailingly obeying her orders.
-Once she finally falls for you, leave to get kidnapped by pirates.
-Become the new Pirate Captain.
-Return to find her betrothed to some schmuck Prince.
-Kidnap her.
-Lose her again.
-Get tortured and (mostly) killed.
-Ride off into the sunset with her.
(Funny thing: still easier than how I got my wife!)

1-Lloyd and Caroline Chasseur (The Ref)
Years of hating each other's guts. Years of therapy sessions that are yelling contests. Years of built up resentment, animosity and bile...and then after one X-Mas of burglars, cops, family visits from hell and a drunken Santa, you decide you want to stay together? Nobody beats that. And I mean nobody.

In Honor of the Oscars....Worst Movie Couples!

So yesterday, having forgotten that the Oscars are today, we foolishly went to Hollywood and Highland to do some shopping. I had to show my license and have the undercarriage of my car searched just to get into a parking lot! The man told me, "They take the Oscars very seriously here." Indeed.  So in honor of the Academy Awards tonight, here are my picks for Top Ten Worst Movie Couples(in no particular order):

1. Jack & Rose (Titanic)
Bitch, scoot over a little! The 12 year old boy doesn't take up much space.
2. Luke & Leia (Star Wars)
Eww...just ewww.
3. Kenickie & Rizzo (Grease)
He was an ass, and she was a 34 year old high school senior. Doomed from the start.
4. Romeo & Juliet (Any Movie Version)
They both die, ya know.
5. Sam & Molly (Ghost)
Yay, a guy who can't say 'I Love You' until he's dead. And really, if you want your girlfriend to make out with you as a woman, at least pick a hot woman.
6. Cyclops & Phoenix (X-Men III)
She always knows what you're thinking, then she explodes you apart. I call that a bad.
7. Bill & The Bride (Kill Bill)
Sure, there was passion early on, but then there's all the shooting in the head and heart attack-giving.
8. Superman & Lois Lane (Superman)
She must be thinking she was 'super' raped at some point, since Supes erased her memory of the sex they had (like, 20 years ago), and she had a super (creepy) kid.
9. Hannibal & Clarice (Silence of the Lambs)
She likes women and he would eat her face. Probably wouldn't work out.
10. Davey Jones & Calypso (Pirates of the Caribbean)
She caused him to be a squid-face.  Happy Anniversary.

Appreciating Literature...

                          

Prez Day

        Soo, President's Day huh?
Yep, one of our most famous holidays.
        Uh-huh. Don’t think I remember hearing of it before I moved here. And no day off from work I notice.
Uh, no. Only a select and happy few.
        So is it dedicated to any Prez in particular or just to the fact that they exist??
Uhm, just that they exist I guess.
        Does the president get a day off?
Don't know. Don't think so. Not that he needs any more vacations.
        You can say that again! He broke Reagan's record for taking days off! Hope the next Prez will be...ya know, less lazy.
And mangle the english language to a lesser extent?
        That too. Of course, since these days both parties give the same speeches, it may not even matter that much.
Right. "We must go forward, not backward".
        "We need change!"
"I am the bringer of change!"
        "Work for a better tomorrow! A Brighter future!"
"The children are our future!"
        "What would this land be without this great country of ours!" Okay, that one was Robin Williams, but it sums it up.
Yeah, considering this is so historical, with the first woman and black man running (who have actual chances), it's all kinda bland isn't it?
       Yeah....blah. Oh, I know! Forget that bunch! Lets talk about the real great presidents: from movies!
Ah, yes! Morgan Freeman! Bill Pullman!
        Kevin Kline! Harrison Ford!
I would SO vote for Harrison Ford.
        Hmm, maybe. Depends.
On what?
        On Indy IV of course!! Can he still do it? Can he still crack the whip? Can he lead?
Riiight.....well, he can crack my whip any day. Or is that whip my ...no I better stop right there.
        Ahem, yes. To quote Eddie Izzard: 'I think you'd better had.'

OMG, you suck, we rule.

Yeah, so I was re-reading that post from yesterday, and it seems to imply our marriage is perfect. Which it's not. It's like half a degree from perfect. But mostly awesome. So yes, while it may sound like we're bragging about our marriage being totally better than other marriages, the real point which can't be missed is that I HAVE A GRAY HAIR!!!
    You mean grey hairs. Spelled correctly and pluralized.
Oh yeah, I forgot that you Euro folk don't know how to talk or write American. That's okay, I still love you. I bet you're thinking that our font changes colour, aren't you?
    Yes, it does. So?
You're so cute, I could eat you up. No wait, did you pluralize my gray hairs? I thought that was just a joke!! You said you only saw one!!!
    Actually, I saw no gray hairs. I saw grey hairs.
You're so lucky I have to go right now, but this is not over. Not by a long shot, buddy.
    I mean, I thought when I married a younger woman that she would stay younger than me...(oh yes, she's gone. I'm not stupid!)

Marriage, Hemmorhoids & Grey Hair

So some people say that marriage is hard work.
        Yeah, supposedly it takes a while to learn the delicate dance of give and take.
You refuse to dance with me, so that doesn't really apply to us.
        Oh, not that again.....
Hey, you brought it up. I was talking about marriage and you turn it into a dance. Which you won't do.
       Argn....look I didn't mean....it was a metaphorical dance, okay? Let's stay on topic now...
Right. Marriage. Hard work. Except, it's not really. Not for us, anyway. Of course, maybe we're still in the honeymoon phase.
        Right. And have been for years. Years you also spent laughing at me every time I even remotely tried to make a rhythmic move, by the way.
Ah see, dancing again. Always the dancing with you. You're a dance-tease, is what you are. Anyway, we're about to enter the 7th year. Any itching? Burning? Discomfort? Oh wait, wrong malady...
        You telling me you got 'rhoids..?
I don't think that's appropriate for public consumption and...eww, I just grossed myself out. But wait, does that mean that this 'blog is like an marital hemmorhoid cream? And what is a marital hemmorhoid anyway? And more importantly, is that how you spell hemmorhoid??
        ........okay, you're freaking me out a little here. Marital hemmorho-...hemmorrho-hemaroo....Argh! Do you have them or not?? You were the one talking about itching. Oh wait...did you mean you have like an 'itch' you want 'scratched'? Heheh Nudge nudge wink wink...
Hey buddy, hands where I can see them, not feel them. Maybe now's a good time to put up one of your cartoons. Hey, how about one of those where you take something really traumatic in my life and make a joke of it. Those are great. Really.
        Hmmm that does always work. And they're not about your so-called traumas, dear. They're about my journey of understanding the unfathomable mystery called woman. Or rather: wife. Heh.
Oh, I'll get mine, mister. I'll get mine. And by mine, I mean you, of course. So laugh it up. My time will come. And by my I mean your.
       See? Unfathomable...

       Anyway: